Numerous sightings of Bigfoot, the hairy wild man of the Pacific Northwest, have been reported in Salem city limits.
Socialphenomologist Ephrim Zanzabar, from the U.S. Council on Urban Dangers, urges caution when approaching the brutish beast. “These sightings in a city setting show the monster’s habits have radically changed; he is literally capable of anything.”
But renowned psycoloevaluator Dr. Abigail Kurtman-McSlongagle, who trekked through Oregon Douglas fir forest for more than a decade, tracking the elusive savage, says public fear is misplaced. “He’s misunderstood,” she told Salem Weekly, “with a face like that, wouldn’t you be?”
Kurtman-McSlongagle says Sasquatch may have come to Salem to convey an important message.
Rumor has him heading to River Front Park Saturday, April 11 to support an Earth 411 “Earth Day” event.
Will Salem Weekly nab an interview? Were sending out our best scouts. If anyone sees him, please let us know.