Dear Mexican: I’m a civil rights lawyer. I sue the San Diego Minutemen. Whenever the Minutemen are accused of being racist they always say something like, “I’m part-Hispanic,” or they’ll note that some of their members are Mexican. This last claim is actually true. Some of the most zealous Minutemen are actually Mexican-Americans. I’m 100% Irish. I don’t understand why the Mexican members of the Minutemen can associate themselves with a group that is so obviously racist.  Can you explain?

Mick Who Likes Spics

Dear Mick: Gracias for legally sparring with the vilest section of the Minuteman movement, but you gotta give us Mexis some credit. Just like micks became some of the most racist, corrupt pogue mahones in America, Mexicans can also hate their recently arrived brethren—it’s called assimilation, and it’s inevitable in this country for even the dumbest mojado. And just like micks can be stupid, so can Mexicans. For instance, a recent Arizona State University study showed that 81 percent of registered Latino voters in the Copper State oppose its anti-immigrant SB 1070 bill—the overwhelming majority of la raza, but that still leaves 19 percent of Arizonan wabs supporting a measure that would have them kicked across the Sonoran Desert in a heartbeat. You’ll have to ask each of those voters to explain their irrationality, but I’m happy that they exist—shows the Know Nothings that Mexicans don’t just reside in one political prism and are actually, you know, human. As for the Know Nothings trotting out tokens or claiming they can’t possibly be racist because they’re “Hispanic” (quick aside: ever notice how racists can never bring themselves to utter “Latino” when lamely trying to pass themselves off as moderate?): it’s both an appeal to authority and appeal to sympathy, logical fallacies that only the dumbest pendejos use. Like the San Diego Minutemen!

Dear Mexican: Why do the Mexicans HATE American soccer and “hate” (bolded, underlined, and italicized) Landon Donovan?

Uncle Sam’s Army Brat

Dear Gabacho: Because Mexicans hate Americans—DUH! Geez, this is the literary equivalent of taking a penalty kick at this year’s FIFA World Cup with no goaltender—but I also want to plug Gringos at the Gate, an upcoming documentary answering this very question with game footage and interviews with Mexican and American fútbol fanatics, former soccer stars and your humble scribe. I gave your question un cabezazo over to director Pablo Miralles, who delivered a bicycle kick of an answer (okay, okay: a yellow card for me for too many bad soccer metaphors). “On the first part: The average American doesn’t give a shit about fútbol, so how can they be as good or even better than us Mexicans, who are the most passionate and loyal fans?” Miralles told the Mexican. “As for Donovan, Mexicans will say that the hated comes from when, in 2004, he pissed on the field of the sacred Estadio Jalisco, home of the revered Chivas de Guadelajara. But the truth, I believe, is that when he won the Golden Boot at the 1999 Under-17 World Cup (being the first player from this part of the world to win such an honor) and later the Best Young Player at the 2002 World Cup, the realization for Mexican fans set in that, for the first time, the best player on the field when the United States played Mexico was NOT a Mexican. It’s one thing to be beat by a bunch of over-educated, hard-working, physical brutos, but the talent, the technical skill, the style—these are the attributes of El Tri. So how can it be this güero is winning these awards, think Mexican fans? Unacceptable!” Pablo: Your answer was a GOOOOOOOOOOOOOL!